Love for the Lonely
by Cleone
Summary: Neh...discontinued. It got a bit too smutty, even for me.
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING! IF YOU DON'T LIKE REALLY WEIRD (AND I MEAN, _REALLY _WEIRDPAIRINGS AND KINKINESS, I SUGGEST YOU GO OFF AND READ A DIFFERENT STORY THAT HAS A PLAUSIBLE PAIRING AND NO KINKINESS!**

…

**Remember, I warned you…**

**Oh yeah, and like with all my stories, major OOC-ness. AGAIN, I WARNED YOU!**

**Love for the Lonely**

If you could choose one word that described Temari, it would be…horny. Yes, _horny_. She was about to turn seventeen, and she was very displeased that she hadn't even gotten her first kiss yet! The only boys she was close to were Gaara and Kankuro, but they were her brothers and incest just wasn't the way she flowed.

So while lying in bed wide awake, Temari made a vow: By the time she was seventeen, she will not only have had her first kiss, but her first _lay _too. Boy, this was going to take some work.

In a whole other village, a whole other person was having the same difficulty.

Sasuke's seventeenth birthday was right around the corner. Sure, he always said that he wasn't into the whole "love" thing, but after some time his hormones played their role and he was starting to get at least a little bit interested in the topic. But of course, not interested enough to forget his main goal in life.

So while lying in bed wide awake, Sasuke made a vow: by his seventeenth birthday, he will have found a girl and banged her good (without, of course, anyone finding out). Boy, this was going to take some work.

* * *

The next morning, Temari decided that it was time to get started. She closed the curtains in her small room and locked the door shut. If her brothers found out that she was doing this, they would never let her hear the end of it. Temari took one last look around, crawled under her bed, and fished out her laptop (this was yet another secret she was keeping). She climbed back on the bed and turned the laptop on. She sighed deeply as she quickly logged onto the internet and typed in the web address for the dating site.Yes,it was true. Temari was so desperate that she stooped down to the level of online dating. So what? Everyone did it. So go screw yourself. 

Temari scrolled up and clicked the box that said "register". Even now, she still couldn't believe she was doing this. A new page popped up that had blanks that were to be filled in: "Username", "Age", "Sex", "Location", and "Interests". Temari bit on her lip as she thought of a username.

'Something that won't give me away,' she thought.

She thought for another moment before flexing her fingers and typing in:

_FanGirl101_

Temari scrolled down and entered the rest of the information (she resisted the urge to type in "Yes please" in the "Sex" blank) until she got to the blank entitled "Interests". She tapped her fingers on the keyboard.

'Now this is tough…'

After five minutes of thinking, Temari typed in the only thing that she had had on her mind these last few years:

_Getting laid_

Temari sighed and clicked on the 'Submit' button. She had to admit that this was pretty dang shallow, but she had a promise to herself that she had to keep.

After only a few hours, Temari had met many men online that were very enjoyable to talk to. But there was one in particular that stood out to her: _Avenger202. _Not only did this guy live in Konoha Village (which was a whole lot closer than the other guys), but he was around her age, too!

Temari yawned and began typing again. She had been talking to _Avenger202 _since noon and it was already ten o' clock at night!

_So what are you up to?_

She waited patiently for a response.

_Nothing really…_

Temari was about to respond but stopped when she saw that he was still typing.

_My seventeenth birthday is only a week away._

Temari's eyes widened and she felt her heart beat start to quicken. She gulped and typed in:

_Really? So is mine!_

Again she waited.

_Woah…weird… _Was the response she got.

Temari stared at the screen. Should she tell this guy that she barely even knew about her little personal bet? Most likely not. He would get grossed out and never talk to her again. Temari exhaled deeply. This was stupid. She would never lose her virginity, especially not to some online chum.

She stretched her fingers and was about to tell _Aveneger202 _that she had to go, but was once again stopped by his typing.

_Listen, can you meet me on Saturday? At the Ichiraku ramen bar at 5 P.M.? It's in my village. _

And before Temari could respond, he signed off.

She stared at the screen, speechless. He wanted to meet? Already? Wow, this was easier than she thought! She sighed contentedly and shut off her laptop.

'Thank god for online dating,' she thought.

* * *

Sasuke shut off his computer and leaned back in the chair. He had just spent eight hours talking to this _FanGirl101 _on the dating site.Yeah, so what? The great Uchiha Sasuke was so desperate that he registered on an online dating sight. So fuck off. 

He stretched his arms and got up off the chair. The girl he was talking actually sounded pretty cool, a nice change from the idiot girls of Konoha. Not only did she live pretty near (the Sand), her birthday was on the same day! Pretty sweet, huh?

* * *

Little did either Sasuke or Temari know, they climbed into bed at the exact same time, both turned on their left side, and said together: 

"Damn, this is gonna be an easy lay."

**A/N: SEE! WHAT DID I SAY? KINKY, WEIRD PAIRING, AND OOC! I WARNED YA!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Heh heh, me and my weird, implausible pairings…**

**Love for the Lonely**

**Part Deux**

And so, daybreak came and Temari woke up from her erotic, virgin dreams, with only one thought on her mind:

_I need to get ready!_

It was Friday: one day until she would meet her "internet lover". Temari threw the bed covers to the floor and stretched her arms, letting out a loud yawn. Through the night, she kept on waking from her sexy and dirty dreams, covered in sweat and her night shirt pulled over her stomach; she wasn't at all well rested.

"At least no one watches me when I'm asleep," she mumbled as she stepped onto the cold, wooden floor and scratched her messy blonde hair.

She glanced out the window. The sky was a beautiful canvas of pinks and oranges melting into a deep, blue, star-scattered sky.

"Goddamn it, it's early."

Temari let out another over-exaggerated and loud yawn and slumped over to the closet. She creaked it open and peeked inside. So she had to admit that she didn't have the most feminine or girlish or sexy mode of dress, but hey, at least her clothing was practical.

'But I don't need _practical _clothing,' she thought anxiously, sliding back several oversized t-shirts. 'I need clothes that would almost make me look…'

Her thoughts trailed off and a grin spread across her face as she came across an article of clothing she hadn't seen since her early teenage years: a strapless, lacy black dress with red trim that was cut so high that it barely covered her buttocks (of course, her teammates gave her hell once they saw this).

Temari gingerly fished the dress out of the closet and held it up to her body. "Hey, I don't think I'll look all that bad in this…" She giggled to herself and threw it on her unmade bed. "I wouldn't be surprised if I got laid while wearing this before I even meet the guy!"

* * *

And of course, miles and miles away from Temari, Sasuke was having the exact same issue: _What in the heck am I going to wear?_ Of course, he never cared about what wore out in public; clothes were merely a way to cover up unmentionable parts of your body. But now, even he knew that in a situation like this, the "threads" meant a whole lot more.

"Which is pretty sad," he grumbled, sifting through his drawers of wrinkled shirts and shorts and boxers that hadn't been cleaned for nearly a year.

After another quarter of an hour of rummaging through his entire house for clothes that a young woman would find attractive, Sasuke finally found something that he thought would be suitable: baggy black pants with numerous pockets and a large red t-shirt with ripped sleeves and many loose threads. He shook the pair of pants and many small, black spiders fell to the floor and scuttled away. Sasuke raised his brow.

"Been a while since I've worn these…"

He folded the pants and the shirt together and placed them neatly on his bed. He breathed deeply and fell back onto the soft mattress, closing his eyes and grinning. Around this time tomorrow, he would be in this same bed with another sexy body, showing her a good time, pleasuring her…

Sasuke sat up bolt right. Pleasuring her…_he wouldn't know what he was going to be doing! _For all he knew, he could make a total fool of himself! Not that he really _cared, _he had more important things to worry about, but he didn't want any rumors going around that he was a terrible lay.

Sasuke stared out the window, trying to think of a solution, until he realized what he had to do. He groaned.

"Though I really do hate to admit that I need help from him…"

Sasuke was going to get advice from the one, the only, the sexpert of the village:

Hatake Kakashi.


	3. Chapter 3

**Love for the Lonely:**

**Part Trois **

Kakashi rubbed his chin, trying his best not to laugh at the rather embarrassed and harassed looking Sasuke sitting across from him. He always thought that the boy would rather eat his own genitalia than ask him of all people for help with "womanly stuff", and it was rather surprising that Sasuke appeared on his doorstep, mumbling about needing help with something and his reproductive parts perfectly intact.

Kakashi stirred around the lukewarm coffee sitting in front of him. "So…what exactly do you need my help with?"

Sasuke stared down at the glass ice water in his hands and took a deep breath. "Ineedtoknowhowtohavesex," he said quickly.

"Sorry, couldn't quite catch that," Kakashi said cheerfully, leaning forward.

Sasuke gripped the glass so hard that it felt as though he crush it with his own hands. "I…need…to…know…how…to…have…sex," he grumbled between gritted teeth.

Kakashi clapped his hands and reached across the table to pat Sasuke on the shoulder. "Finally wanna lose your cherry, eh? To what girl, may I ask?"

Sasuke's brow twitched. It was embarrassing enough having to talk to this perverted loser without him getting too personal about it. All he wanted was to get some advice on hanky-panky and then hightail out of Kakashi's house, hopefully without being seen. That was it. Now was not the time for man-to-man conversations.

"Some…chick," he finally replied lamely.

Kakashi winked. "It couldn't possibly be our own Miss Haruno, huh?"

Sasuke shook his head, a shiver running down his spine. "God no."

His sensei's eyes widened. "Really? I thought you would've finally given in! I mean…" He stirred around his coffee once more and took a sip. "If I were a seventeen-year old boy with a body chock full of raging hormones, little Sakura would be one of my first choices!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. 'Nasty, perverted pedophile…that's just sick!'

He cleared his throat and set down his water. "So…err…what is the first thing you do?"

Kakashi looked as though he hadn't been asked a more flattering question. He leaned back in his chair and sighed heavily. "_Well, _of course, start off the date with some flowers. Roses, preferably, none of the cheap, dyed carnations. She'll just think you're a bum if you do that."

Sasuke nodded. 'Okay, flowers. Not too tough.'

Kakashi held up two fingers. "Step two: butter her up a bit. Ya know, 'You look absolutely stunning!' or 'So how was your day, my one and only?'

Sasuke shifted uncomfortably. "But what if she's hideous and what if I don't care about how her day went?"

Kakashi slapped his forehead. "Sheesh, it's a good thing you came to me! You lie, idiot! Lie! Just lie your way right to the bedroom!"

Sasuke crossed his arms over his chest. These tips really didn't seem like they'd work too well, but, hell, it was _Hatake Kakashi_ for Pete's sake. He probably had more woman than God himself.

Kakashi put up a third finger. "Next, take her to dinner at some fancy ooh-la-la kind of place. Hold her hand, rub your knees against hers, and, this is a no-brainer, pick up the check."

Sasuke frowned. "But I'm extremely low on cash!"

Kakashi grinned. "Then you can say goodbye to becoming a man!"

Sasuke grimaced. "Fine."

Kakashi took a long drink from his now cold coffee. "Now, after dinner, you take her back home. Say 'Ah, just come in to meet the family'-" Sasuke glared at him and Kakashi quickly added "-or 'Want a drink before you go home?'. Something along the lines of that."

Sasuke leaned forward. "So when do I go in for the kill?"

Kakashi shook his head. "Sasuke, Sasuke, no woman will ever sleep with you if you talk in such a barbaric manner! Work on that, too: slicking up your lingo."

Sasuke struggled to keep all this in mind, "O-okay…"

"Anyways, to answer your question, you sit her on the couch, begin rubbing her knee and talking dirty, get her all worked up, lead her upstairs and badda-bing-badda-boom! You 'get it on'!" Kakashi leaned back and breathed deeply. "And that's it. Totally fool-proof."

Sasuke stared at his sensei. 'This is probably one plan that could have so many things go wrong…but it's all I got.'

He rested his elbows on the table. "So did your little scheme work for you?"

Kakashi nodded several times. "Oh yeah. I had that girl in the bag right after I gave her the fifty-dollar white roses two seconds after our date began!"

Sasuke twiddled his thumbs, feeling his face begin to get warm. "So how did the, err, actual, err…"

Kakashi laughed. "You mean how was the sex? Pretty good, I say. But…" He hesitated.

Sasuke rested his chin on his hands. "But what?"

Kakashi looked at the floor. "She slapped me the next morning for treating her like a total prostitute."

Sasuke's eyes widened. "Oh…how do I _not _get slapped for treating the girl like a prostitute?"

Kakashi sighed. "Well…you don't keep on hitting her butt and calling her your dirty little whore."

Sasuke smirked. "And you said I was the idiot." He pushed the glass towards the center of the table and stood up. "Better go get ready. Thanks for your help."

"Glad I could be of assistance!" Kakashi called to him as he the front door slammed behind him. He gave a small salute. "And god speed…"

After a moment, Kakashi frowned and realized Sasuke forgot something. No, not another tip, but something much more important…

"Damn, that little bastard didn't give me my 5000 yen like he promised," Kakashi grumbled.


End file.
